For decades I’ve discussed the topic of codependency with my clients and have helped hundreds heal from its damaging effects. Codependency is not just enabling someone’s substance addition, it’s a complex psychological dynamic that can lure and entrap seemingly well adjusted people into emotionally, physically, and financially abusive relationships. Individuals who struggle with narcissistic, borderline, antisocial, or dependent personality disorders as well as codependency or addiction can quickly lure willing victims into codependent relationships.
To describe how codependency works, I frequently use metaphors and story telling. One of my favorite stories is of the codependent sea. If you, a friend or a family member find yourself swimming in the codependent sea, please read my short story below.
The Story of the Codependent Sea
I was basking in the warmth of the golden sun lying on a white sandy beach. I heard you call for me your voice was sweet like honey. I immediately began walking into the cold dark blue sea where I saw your beautiful shining face. With a twinkle in your eye you said, “Could you please stay here with me.” Without hesitation, I said “Yes” even though I was cold and uncertain. But your beautiful face and sweet voice warmed my heart making it possible for me to swim in the cold dark water.
We swam there holding hands for longer than I can remember..…
One day the cold waters began to change and the sea began to grow more aggressive. I looked into your eyes and you seemed un-phased by this. I secretly yearned for the warm dry beach but never whispered a word to you. Instead I stayed with you as the waves became more aggressive and sharks began to circle us. I looked to you and you seemed unaware of the danger all around us.
My heart melted I knew I had to leave you to save myself. But I felt trapped and could not allow you to battle the sea alone. The sea became more vicious and I began gasping for breath but you did not seem to understand why I was so miserable and scared. You could not see the dangers as you had never been on dry land or experienced the warmth of the sun.
One day I asked you to swim away with me to the distant shore but you could not see it and told me there had never been a shore and that I had come to you from the cold dark sea. “Couldn’t I remember?” I said “No,” I definitely lived on the shore in the warmth of the sun. You became more angry with me and your eyes turned black as I fought against and resisted the sea.
The sea began to drag me under and you just stared at me with your dark cold eyes ignoring my pain and acting as if it was me who was to blame. I was scared and alone struggling to breathe, the sea became even colder and more aggressive. We no longer held hands your smiling face and twinkling eyes vanished your voice became harsh.
The sea continued to pull me under and I begged you to leave with me to go to the distant shore. But again you persisted that there was no shore and the sea wasn’t as cold or aggressive as I claimed.
I said please leave this place with me and you became even more distant refusing to speak to me.
One enormous wave pulled me under and you watched me drown and begin to die. You did nothing to help me and ignored me completely. As my mouth filled with water, I saw a patch of sunlight, a glimmer of light in the distance and instinctively began to follow the light. I caught my breath and began swimming again. I could not see you anymore only the light guiding me back to the shore. The beach became clear and the sun began to break through the clouds.
I could see the sun now sparkling on the white sandy beach like diamonds and feel the warmth of the sun. As I approached the beach I could barely stand. My legs were weak and shaky, and I collapsed onto the sand.
I was home again. I closed my eyes relishing the sunlight feeling my breath— warm and comfortable for the first time in ages.
I did not even have a chance to think about you or to grieve you before I heard your beautiful sweet voice. I opened my eyes. Had you followed me to the shore? But to my dismay I watched another woman lying on the white sandy beach stand up and immediately follow you into the cold dark sea. Her smiling face reminded me of my own when I followed you into the sea.
On dry land now basking in the warmth of the golden sun lying on the white sandy beach my energy returned. My legs felt strong again. I was no longer cold or scared. To my surprise I did not mourn you or wish to see you again— because I was finally free.
Contact Me:
If you need help leaving the codependent sea, let me be the light to guide you home. Please reach out to me, Dr. Christine E. Dickson through my website.
About the Author
Dr. Christine E. Dickson is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 25 years of direct experience helping individuals and families break free from unhealthy patterns and build more fulfilling lives. She specializes in mindfulness-based therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Through her writing and clinical work, Dr. Dickson offers practical tools for healing from codependency, navigating complex relationships, and cultivating resilience. She provides online therapy throughout California.
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