Some relationships leave us feeling drained, confused, or unsure of ourselves. We give in, accommodate, and overextend ourselves — all in the name of love, loyalty, or keeping the peace. But at what cost? What happens when trying to help someone else slowly erodes your peace and wellbeing?
You may not even realize it’s happening — until you wake up tired, resentful, or feeling like you’ve lost control.
In my work as a psychologist, I often share a simple but powerful framework called the “Three C’s” to help people regain clarity when they’re overwhelmed by someone else’s chaos:
You didn’t cause it.
You can’t control it.
You can’t cure it.
These simple statements can be life-changing when you’re stuck in cycles of frustration, guilt, or emotional distress.
Today’s blog post will examine the ways in which we try to “fix” others and how to use the three C’s to stop.
Ways We Try to “Fix” Others
| Active Fixing Behaviors – trying to change, teach, or convince | Passive Fixing Behaviors – over-accommodating, silencing, or rescuing |
|---|---|
| Explaining your perspective repeatedly so they’ll “get it.” | Staying quiet to keep the peace, even when something important needs to be said. |
| Defending your point of view to persuade them to change theirs. | Over-accommodating their needs while neglecting your own. |
| Offering advice or “teaching moments” they didn’t ask for. | Tiptoeing around topics to avoid upsetting them. |
| Telling them what they should think, feel, or do. | Soothing or rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. |
| Pointing out what they’re “missing” so they’ll will understand. | Saying yes when you want to say no, to prevent conflict or disappointment. |
| Reframing their story instead of simply listening. | Changing your opinions, tone, or personality so they’ll feel more comfortable. |
| Talking them out of their feelings rather than making space for them. | Taking responsibility for their mood, reactions, or growth. |
| Reminding them of past mistakes so they’ll “learn.” | Trying to control the environment so they won’t be triggered. |
| Overexplaining your intentions so they’ll see your side. | No longer setting boundaries in the hope they’ll eventually “figure it out.” |
| Jumping to solutions before they’ve asked for help. | Avoiding honest conversations because you’re afraid of their reaction. |
Stories of Everyday Fixing
1. The Explosive Spouse: “It’s your fault.”
Claire’s Story
Claire’s husband, Mark, has unpredictable moods. He comes home angry or cold, and even small conversations turn into blowups. Claire tries everything — keeping the kids quiet, managing dinner perfectly, staying calm — but Mark still erupts.
She walks on eggshells daily, always wondering what she did wrong.
Until one day, she breaks down and says, “I’ve done everything I can. Why is it still this hard?”
The answer: because it was never hers to fix.
She didn’t cause his volatility.
She can’t control his temper.
And she can’t heal his wounds.
What she can do is stop blaming herself for his behavior, set boundaries, and start finding her voice.
2. The Guilt-Tripping Parent: “You never do enough.”
Jason’s Story
Jason dreads the Sunday call from his mom. She always leads with guilt:
“After all I’ve done for you…”
“Your sister calls more than you do.”
“You should be more grateful.”
Jason tries to please her — changing plans, biting his tongue, sending gifts. Still, it’s never enough.
Then one week, he hears himself say, “I can’t keep apologizing for living my life.”
That’s when he remembers:
He didn’t create her emptiness.
He can’t manage her disappointment.
He’s not responsible for her happiness.
He can still love her — but from a place of strength, not guilt.
3. The Critical In-Law: “She just doesn’t like me.”
Jane’s Story
Jane’s mother-in-law, Eleanor, has always been dismissive. She nitpicks Jane’s parenting, ignores her efforts, and makes subtle digs in front of others.
Jane has bent over backward for years trying to win her over. But Eleanor remains cold and controlling.
Eventually, Jane realizes:
It’s not about her cooking, her clothes, or her choices. It never was.
She didn’t cause Eleanor’s insecurity.
She can’t control Eleanor’s approval.
She can’t fix someone who isn’t open to connection.
So Jane stops over-accommodating — and starts living with self-respect, not desperation.
4. The Chaos-Magnet Sibling: “It’s always something.”
Lena’s Story
Lena’s brother, Chris, is always in a crisis — a breakup, a lost job, a fight with the family. When he calls, it’s urgent. When she helps, it’s never enough.
She lends money, offers advice, rearranges her schedule — only to watch him repeat the same patterns.
One day, after another last-minute emergency, she hears her own exhaustion and thinks: “This is not sustainable.”
That’s the turning point.
She didn’t cause his instability.
She can’t control his choices.
She can’t be the solution to a problem he keeps recreating.
But she can stop rescuing — and start letting him face his own life, while she reclaims hers.
Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care
The three C’s —
You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it —
aren’t cold or callous. They’re compassionate boundaries.
They remind us that we are not here to fix, manage, or emotionally babysit other people.
We are here to live with integrity, self-respect, and love — including love for ourselves.
Final Thoughts
The Three C’s are not just a mental mantra. They can create emotional freedom. When you internalize the three C’s, you stop reacting to other people’s dysfunction, and start taking care of yourself.
Because you are not here to fix other people’s lives.
You are here to live your own.
🌿 Additional Resources
The Codependent Sea: A Short Story – explores the complexities of codependent relationships and the dangerous sacrifices people are willing to make to stay.
Emotional Boundaries: What’s in You is Not in Me – the path out of codependency starts by learning where you end and another person begins.
About the Author
Dr. Christine E. Dickson is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 25 years of experience helping clients break free from codependent patterns, heal from trauma, and reclaim their inner peace. Her private practice blends evidence-based therapies like DBT and CBT with mindfulness-based tools to support deep, lasting transformation.
Looking for support in navigating difficult relationships or reclaiming your boundaries? Visit her website to learn more or schedule a consultation.
Leave a Reply